It’s a week into July and I am negotiating with God.
Mostly I say this to comfort myself because from what I’ve heard, God doesn’t really seem like the type to negotiate. I wouldn’t say we’re on speaking terms, but I will say that whenever things hit a point where Something Has To Give, I’ve come to assume that pressure is God’s big, old, pious hands pulling the strings I’m holding a little bit tighter prompting me to move. Sometimes they’re kind enough to let me pick which strings to pluck, pull, rearrange & cut. Sometimes, I don’t have a choice. Regardless, it’s a little game we play, and life has felt a bit more manageable ever since I realized I was a participant.
The worst part of every round however is when I’m slowly getting prodded towards Making Decisions. Whenever storm clouds start to line the inside of my stomach, I know things will be changing soon -call it a gut instinct. The anticipation lies less in the actual decisions themselves (I usually know what needs to happen by this point), and more in the hyper awareness that any new movement will mean the inevitable reconstruction and shift of every existing relationship I’m currently in. From minuscule adjustments to complete obliteration, things never stay the same. It’s a natural dance, one made of pushes & pulls -small tugs rippling through the existing reality of the present. Oftentimes these changes have pushed me towards something better -stronger relationships, more honest ways of existing, improved health in any given realm, etc. Any preemptive grief has resided in the knowledge that necessary change doesn’t mean I can keep what I love in the moment.
Will there be new loves in the future? Of course, there have always been. Does it feel like a leap of faith to get there? Of course, every time. When my body is aching & exhausted I trust my legs less to make that leap of faith in a way that won’t cause pain on impact. Although maybe that’s my fault for trying to avoid the inevitable.
These notions are the natural result of a hot June that left me with a lot to think about. My mind tends to hold onto things in a way that leaves me spinning around mental faerie circles of my own making. I’ve been falling in love. I’ve been falling in anger. I’ve been falling into a general state of exhaustion. I’ve been falling into overextension. I’ve been falling into slight burns & new cities & hard conversations. I’ve been falling into old habits, I’ve been falling into new practices -a constant stumble in & out of grace.
I’m in love with how the world exploded in June. The ice fully gone, the trees fully green. Controversially, I’m enamored by the midwest lake humidity and I adore wrapping my body in the thick midday heat. Everyone looks prettier in the summer, cheeks slightly flushed, eyes glowing -smiles seem to come more naturally. There is a softness to this season that makes love make more sense.
There have been a lot of birthdays in June and I feel incredibly lucky that so many people I love have made it to another year. I’ve been enjoying the flood of music and art, so many more hours to put it in now that the days have become longer. There is something especially precious about a heart on display. When my friends are talking about what they love, I can see them clearer. What more can I ask for than a dance, a tight hug, a summer storm? We’ve been slipping loose lyrics & guitar riffs & poems to each other in between hours.
I’ve been running around for the last five weeks at full speed into everything and everyone. Perhaps it’s just the warm weather, or perhaps it’s my general sleep deprivation, but I’ve been fighting the urge to settle into the arms of every familiar face I know. Wouldn’t it be so nice if we rested right here in the sun? Just for a second? Together? Isn’t that the point anyways? The obligations will always be here, but I still remember the cold sting of February and I know in a couple months the sun won’t be…
I’ve also spent a lot of June angry. Hot & bothered if you will. With all the relationships that make sense in my life, the ones that increasingly don’t have been feeling especially obtuse, prickly & out of place. It has been deeply disappointing to see who has been moving out of fear and desperation. It has been deeply heartbreaking to watch people I once cherished walk down paths I will not, can not follow them down. That love is still there, it always will be, but the strings that tie us together in the present have been wearing thin.
I have a hard time blaming people who haven’t quite learned how to maintain relationships in a healthy manner when they fail to maintain said relationships. There are a lot of foundational components out of any one individual’s control & I know we are all still learning, myself included. Through observation it is seeming more obvious however that a common tongue does not always lead to a common understanding. An additional layer of difficulty is added when language has been used that insinuates an understanding that realistically doesn’t exist. This doesn’t come from a place of condescension but rather from a place of broken trust. Word is bond until we’re in different binds & then it doesn’t mean much at all.
But truth takes time, and so do relationships, which is distinctly at odds with the current conditions of capitalism -progress and product demanded at any cost. What is sacrificed when progress is prioritized? Progress of the individual. Of some romanticized cause. Of personal reputation. When is progress simply disguised and repackaged capitalistic demands of constant production? When is it time to sit and stop moving? Is progress actually progress if the only direction you’re moving is straight into the ground?
I have also been thinking about what it means to actually love another person. Love in a commodified world is often sold as convenient. Something that will calm the mind and ease the soul. Respectfully, the people I have loved the most in my life -who I still love the strongest, have never been convenient. But that’s the point isn’t it? Bust down my door. Call me at any hour. Piss me off. Stay even when I’m practically falling asleep. Force me out of my head, past my comfort zone, out of my faerie circle. Because if anyone’s going to do it, I want it to be you.
I’m starting to recognize convenience as the cousin of isolation, the consequence of being removed from the process and simply handed the end product. Convenience is something slung in a drive-through, plastic wrapped, single use, ready made, one size fits all. Easily consumed and disposed of. I have no interest in disposing of anyone, I have no interest in being disposed of -I think we all need each other more than that. I think we all owe each other more than that.
I’ve been practicing telling the people I love that I need them. I’ve spent a lot of my life associating need with desperation, but this has often been contextual and lately context has been sitting pretty in my hands like fresh putty. One of the people I love the most in the world has reintroduced me to need. I didn’t realize the potential strength of the word until I heard how they placed it in my hands. A new tool for building something better and more earnestly than what already exists. Need builds framework and foundation. What do I need to survive? What do I need to feel fulfilled? What do you? Is my body saying something I need to listen to? What needs to change so that I can exist peacefully with the people I love? Who do I need because their love is one I can actually rest in? Because I need their help to build a world that’s worth sticking around in. Because we weren’t ever supposed to do any of this alone anyways.
What I’m trying to say is that there’s a natural equilibrium to life. What I’m trying to say is that I wouldn’t be me without you. What I’m trying to say is that I’m ok with that, because I know you wouldn’t be you, without me. What I’m trying to say is that I would like to be me, with you. These are the faerie circles I dance in.
As someone who has often separated my own personal needs from the relationships and obligations I feel responsible to, this reintroduction to need has helped me carve space back into my own life. How do I accidentally put strain on my future self and my loved ones if I ignore my very real needs? When can I afford to put my own needs aside for my loved ones? I know this balance exists, me and my friends have been stumbling towards something that feels like an answer hand in hand.
Another dear friend has introduced me to the concept of being publicly messy -if we only show the people around us a polished version of ourselves, how does that push away those who are trying to love us? Devotion is not picky, unless it’s fickle & then that’s not really devotion at all. I do not want my loved ones to show up as anything less than whole, even if their whole self is struggling, why would I ever expect that they hold me to a different standard if the relationship is one worth being in?
All of these questions have been bouncing around my head, constant companions for the month of June. They shake my shoulders to wake up in the morning, they draw my shades at night. It’s been a bit overwhelming to say the least. I’ve been feeling like a blur of a person. Biking fast, walking fast, talking fast (hands included). Strung out in between jobs, and cities, and journals. Curling myself into the corner of hours for a quick nap, a quick write, a restrained scream. Bursting at the seams, spilling over, still moving.
I need to call my mom. I need to do the dishes. I need to think for a second. I need to go swimming while the lakes are warm and not frozen over. I need to hold my friends hands because right now so many of us still live in the same city. I need to get in a car and drive to my friends who live in different cities and hold their hands too. I need to return the library books I’ve checked out for 2+ years (my bad). I need a tight hug. I need to stop moving so fucking fast.
This July I’ve been craving slowness. I want to become the physical embodiment of a summer 3pm. Lazy, adoring & dripping in sun. Let me unwork these knots in my neck & spend my waking hours reading by the water, meandering between destinations. Maybe then my mind can slow down & these bruises can heal & I can actually sort my thoughts out. Maybe then I can actually look at what’s in front of me with clarity instead of seeing things in this blurry double vision that keeps wandering to the horizon. There is a familiarity to exhaustion I have come to find comfortable, an old lover that won’t let me go. I’ve been finding myself getting bored of their company.
So perhaps I will simply let these tight strings go slack and see what sticks come August. Whatever slips away probably wasn’t supposed to be in my hands anyways. This big picture can be a little smaller for the time being. It’s been raining a lot this month, but today the sun is shining & right now that is more than enough for me.
Thank you for joining, even if it’s just for a little bit <3
amazing flow and writting
CMON CAT!!!!